How and why I became a Christian

This is my story of how I went from being a drug addict to a lover and follower of Jesus…

The simple version?

“I once was lost but now am found, was blind but now I see”-

John Newton, Amazing Grace.

The some-what longer version?

When God began to call my name, I was days away from taking my own life.

I had been addicted to cocaine for 2 years; I was involved in multiple relationships, I would drink myself unconscious regularly, I would go days without eating as my pay check would only fund my ever-growing addiction to drugs and I had nowhere that felt like home.

I was completely hooked on anything that would give me a “quick fix” for the huge void that was in my heart and i would go out of my way to fill that feeling of emptiness; No matter the cost!

 

Going back a few years (24 years)

I was a beautiful blonde haired blue-eyed daughter to my mum and dad and had a beautiful brother, Daniel. My parents felt like the cats who got the cream, how could they be so blessed to have gotten the chance at “the perfect family”.

That was until the unexpected death of my brother at 5 months old.

Everyone’s world came crumbling down!

This family of 4 turned into a family of 3 overnight and any belief my family may have had in God was gone!

 

 

As a little girl who longed to be adored, I was suddenly thrown into a world where I was an inconvenience. How can you mourn the loss of your baby and look after a toddler who is constantly demanding to know where her brother had gone? I spent many years of my life feeling like I was too much to be around, like everyone just wanted me out of the way.

(I adore both my parents and this is no reflection their parenting or on how truly amazing I think they both are).

Grief hurts everyone!

 

A few years down the line and we are a family of 5; Dad, Mum and my two sisters.

Fairly happy, about as messy and gritty as the next family, daily arguments.

But I could never escape the feeling that I was unwanted and unloved. I would show off, be loud and obnoxious because any attention was good attention, right? I’d be constantly told; sit down, shut up, no-one wants to hear you, you are too much!

 

 

By the age of 11, I was into boys in a big way. The lack of feeling loved had to be replaced somehow and I found that the excitement of having boyfriends filled that hole for a while. I wouldn’t be exaggerating by saying I had a new boyfriend every 2 weeks!

At the age of 13, I was sent home from school by a Teacher I had confided in, to confess to my Mum that I may be pregnant. (How she didn’t throttle me on the spot I don’t know!) It is by the grace of God, I wasn’t pregnant! But that sure was one way to break the news to the family that their little girl wasn’t quite an innocent as they may have thought.

By age 14 I was smoking cannabis on a regular basis and spent my weekends getting drunk in local parks and woods, I would put myself in ridiculously vulnerable positions. I remember many times passing out and waking up in the middle of the woods, not knowing where I was or how I got there. My parents didn’t know the half of it!

Age 15 I was regularly taking ecstasy and speed, I had run away from home and was living with a boyfriend. Driving around in friends cars at ridiculous speeds and illegal raves had come onto my radar, we would head out every weekend and I just couldn’t get enough of them. They felt grimy and dark, I felt like I was being treated like an adult and I loved the attention from the older men, they met my needs…for a while.

 

I scraped my way through my GCSE’s and didn’t come out with anything to cheer about, which is hardly a surprise!

I later trained and qualified as a hairdresser and began a relationship with a guy who I believed loved me and much as I did him, there was also the added complication that this man was my Mum’s boss! The very first night I spent with him he put a line of cocaine under my nose, which I refused. He made it pretty clear to me that if I wasn’t willing to take it, then I could just leave. It took perhaps 2-3 weeks of doing cocaine almost every day for me to realise that without it, I couldn’t function properly. I spent my whole life outside of work being escorted around as his trophy, being almost 10 years younger than him. Wherever we would go, his mates would tuck their wallets into my handbag to let me know there was some cocaine in there for me if I wanted to help myself. I would be constantly bought drink after drink and at the time I loved it, I thought these men really cared for me.

It wasn’t long before I started to see that this relationship was destroying me, he would often come home absolutely wasted and would throw me around the room if I hadn’t left the place tidy enough for him and he would always act completely different and very affectionate towards me whenever my Mum was around. One morning I found out that he had been having a relationship with another woman behind my back, I am so very grateful for that though as it was the key I needed to get out.

I packed up my things and left and never looked back!

The problem? I was now homeless and still addicted to cocaine!

What I haven’t mentioned is that my parents also divorced during this time, a very messy and painful divorce. For their protection I wont go into that, but things were bad! I had not long before leaving this man, had a fight with my dad which resulted in him not letting me move back home, so I was literally stuck! For a few months I managed to rent a room in someone’s house.

I spent every hour that I wasn’t working, sat in front of a computer, my head full of cocaine, drinking bottles of alcohol and taking inappropriate photos to send to men so that they could tell me I was beautiful, It was all I had to live for, it was the only love I felt I deserved.

I would go to local pubs, find out which men had cocaine and invite them home with me. I wasn’t earning enough to fund how bad my addiction had gotten. In 5 months of living with this stranger, I had not once done a food shop, looking back I’m not actually sure how I survived!

 

I remember one evening, I was sat on my bed and I just felt completely dead. I literally felt that I had lost the ability to feel anything or to love anyone, let alone be loved back. I had been abused and I had abused myself.

Then it hit me, I didn’t have to be here any more! Why should I just struggle through life when I could just end it and get it over with?  It felt like id cracked it, the answer to all my problems!  I had decided who I would leave letters for, had decided how I was going to achieve it but there was something in me that just had a sense of “not yet”.

One evening, a friend and college named Lisa and I were closing up the salon and we began to have a conversation about angels and demons, of all things! I was very hooked on horror movies so this kind of thing got me talking. She was combining this conversation with glimpses of her faith in God. “So Christians believe in angels and demons then?” I asked.  We chatted for ages and the next day picked up the conversation again. She then sprung upon me, “Look you’re obviously interested in this kind of thing so why don’t you come along with me to an alpha course*?”.

I had mixed feelings about it, I hated God and the whole idea of Him but at the same time there was something that was intriguing me!

I agreed to go with her and tentatively went along to this thing, thinking it would be full of Christians who would be judging me, I felt like I didn’t belong in the same room as them.

I was a total hypocrite!

Sat in one room talking about God while sat at home sniffing lines of cocaine!

 

Week after week went by and I was hooked on this thing in a big way, My head was bubbling over with questions, hope was arising in me and for the first time in a long time I felt excited about something. I lived for Wednesday evenings!

I had met people who had received me as I was, loved me as I was.  It didn’t matter what I confessed to them, they just loved me and showed me compassion.

I had one lady, who is still a good friend to me, show up at my door one evening with bags full of food shopping. She said she felt God lead her to buy me some shopping while she did her own that evening. I was blown away!

 

The day of the Alpha away day came**, I felt so excited to have been invited for a day out with all these new-found friends, It hadn’t even crossed my mind that today would be anything more then just a fun day out…oh boy was I wrong!

The day consisted of a couple of short talks about The Holy Spirit, some praying, some (awkward) worshipping and some yummy food and there came a moment where the Pastor said “If anyone feels in this moment that they would like to make a commitment to Jesus then raise your hand and repeat this prayer after me…”.

I had raised my hand before my brain had even told me too!

In a split second I made the decision that “as I didn’t want this life any more, I may as well just give it away!”

The worst that would happen is that God would turn out to not be real and I will just take my life as I’d planned to, I really had nothing to lose!

 

The second I had finished praying this prayer a heat filled my body, not a “standing next to a radiator” kind of heat, It seemed to be inside of me and was flowing out from me.  I had pins and needles over my whole body and I felt light and clean!

Me…clean?!

After years and years of defiling and abusing myself and in an instant this Jesus had washed me clean!

 

In a split second my whole life flip turned on its head!

 

I spent (what felt like days) walking around the grounds of this place just pouring myself out on God. I asked Him where He had been at various moments in my life and He showed me that He had been right there the whole time, loving me and whispering my name. He had been trying to get my attention for a very long time but I was too determined to live life my own way!

 

That afternoon when I got home, the very first thing I did was take a black sack and i literally “cleared out my closet”!

Everything had to go!

The drugs (God completely broke the addiction off of me the second I gave my life to Him), The sexually explicit movies and books, The horror films, The lingerie, The low-cut tops and mini skirts…it all had to go!

I also had some calls to make. The people who I was in relationships with all got the news that I would be calling it off because I had decided to give my life to Jesus!

 

I wasn’t that person any more,  I had died and been raised to life again and this brand new life was for Jesus!

My life was transformed through one simple decision and 3 months later I decided to be baptised to show people that this decision was here to stay!

Surrendering my life to Jesus has changed the course of my destiny and because of the forgiveness that i have recieve through Him, I am now welcomed into the very presence of God.

I am called His daughter and He is my Father.

There is not a single thing I can do to change who I am, nothing I do will make Him love me more, or less!

And there is not a single thing that anyone in this world can do to stop me from shouting His name from the rooftops!

Now

7 years into this journey with Him and I am more in love with Him then ever before! It has not been without it’s ups and downs. I’ve messed up and have made mistakes and I am ever grateful for His never ending grace on my life.

He has redeemed that which was stolen by the enemy and I am so humbled and priveledged to be doing my life journey with God and my amazing Husband by my side, who has been such a huge rock and support to me as Jesus has slowly unraveled the hurts of my past and bought me to a place of freedom.

‘Surely {His} goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever. Psalm 23:6’.

 

Thanks for reading,

One girl and her Jesus!

 

 

I am happy to answer any questions that you may have off of the back of reading my story, please feel free to message me.

You can find the information regarding The Alpha Course below, follow the link to find a course that is running near you!

 

*http://alpha.org/

**The Alpha away day comes at the end of an Alpha course. You go on a day trip and just eat, chat, hang out and dig deeper into who the Bible says God is.